Why I am the worst person ever

I just gave $85 to a smelly, lying homeless man.

I want to kill myself. Keeeeeeeeelllll myself. But instead I will tell the story, so you can laugh at my idiocy.

I was walking back from dinner with two friends, wearing a Domo-kun shirt with a bottle of ramune rattling in my backpack. Apparently I looked like the most naive person in all of DC. On an empty street, in the dark, I was approached by a homeless man with horrible teeth and a bad smell. "Hey," he said, "I need some help."

I put my hand in my wallet, prepared to give him some change. "Hey, don't do that, man," he said. "I just need some directions. Do you know where 2700 Pennsylvania Avenue is?"

"Yeah, I guess...?"

He sat down on the curb. "That's where the Salvation Army building is. I just got out of the hospital but the Salvation Army doesn't open until Tuesday. I got no one in this city, man. NO ONE."

"I just got back from dinner. I only got 5 bucks, man."

"No no no! I'm not talking about that. While I was in the hospital they told me my mother was dying. I need bus tickets to go see her. It'll be a 16 hour ride, man. It's just $16 for the tickets."

"Look, I can give you $5."

"No no no! I'm not talking about that. I NEED to see my mom, man. I got a black widow bite this big, look at this." He pulled off his shoe and I saw a big cut on his leg and a bloody sock. "It went all through my leg, and I had to go to the hospital. Now I got to see my mother immediately."

"Do you want me to show you where the bus stop is?"

"No no no! I'm not talking about that. I'm a Christian, man. I'll pay you back. Just give me your information and I'll send you a gift card on the 29th."

"Well, what do you want me to do? I can take you to an ATM..."

Why did I say this? At this point I was not even thinking. When I am talking people I do not make judgment calls about how smart the thing is that I'm saying. I'm just trying to solve a problem, or some shit like that. Anyway, now this guy lights up and jumps off of the curb. "YEAH! You'll see, I just need to borrow $21. I'm a Christian, man, you can trust me."

Somewhere in the back of my head, I make a note that this number is larger than the previous number. Barely. But now this guy is walking with me, looking for an ATM.

"The Salvation Army office doesn't open until Tuesday, and I got to see her today. My mom's the only one I got, man. Look, here's my card." He hands me a dirty businesss card he found on the street. "Here, just write down your address on this paper here and I'll send you a gift card by the 29th." Like a dope, I do so. I remind myself that my GWU dorm is behind two locked doors, and I'll be out of there by August 11. "Look, the 12 hour train ride costs $69, and the 16 hour one is $49... but I got a $20 card, see, I can pay for some of it myself." I see we're getting closer to my apartment. I look for a clearing, see if I can make a break for it. But the street is empty. It seems out of the question now.

Finally he shows me in to an ATM. "So, how much did you say this bus ticket was?" I ask nervously, quite aware that he's about to give me a huge number. "$20?"

"It's $80, man. But look, you can trust me, okay? I'll send you $100 gift card. Just check your mail on the 29th, it'll be there."

"I don't know if I can trust you, man. I don't even know if this card is yours. It doesn't have your picture on it or anything." The weakest possible argument: he is a smelly, bearded, obviously homeless man.

"Come on, man. I'm a Christian, alright? I'll get it back to you. I promise."

I look out the window. It's pitch black and there's nobody on the street. This man is bigger, and stronger, than me. I am the biggest dope in the history of mankind. I withdraw $80 and give it to him. "Okay, I trust you, man," I said, looking him in the eye. "I trust you."

This seems completely surreal, even though it only happened 40 minutes ago. It seems like a really horrible movie. I want to pretend this didn't actually happen. But yet, here is the fake business card, and here is the receipt for $80 withdrawn. I really am the worst person ever.

I walk out the door, in a hurry to get away, and he says, "Oh, and I'll need that $5. For cab fare." The guy takes my last $5 and walks calmly down the street.

I walk southwest in a daze. As soon as he is out of earshot I start yelling obscenities into the night.

EDIT I just realized the reason I was walking through DC in the dark is because I thought I could save 40 cents on train fare by walking home from a farther stop. Ahahahahahahahhahaha